anxiety, autism, dance, depression, diet, excercise, general, health, health and fitness, lifestyle, mental health, parenting, post natal depression, special needs, wellbeing

My postnatal depression story

I’m no longer ashamed to admit that I have trouble remembering the first two years of my sons life. I can not tell you at what age he got his first tooth, his favourite food as a baby, his first word or when he began to sleep through the night.  I’m not even sure of what age he took his first steps.

My second child, I can tell you all her milestones. I think that’s mainly due to the amount of times I’ve had to go over them with paediatricians, therapists, doctors. She has autism, and was finally diagnosed at age six just last year.

My youngest,  Emily. I know all her firsts. Mainly because I was extra vigilant looking out for any red flags we had with my eldest daughter.

Each pregnancy was different. All had the usual sickness and discomfort.  But my third pregnancy, I just wasn’t feeling those feelings you associate with pregnancy. The excitement,  the happiness, the eagerness. I didn’t really feel anything.

I brought my feelings (or lack of) up with my midwife whilst getting my bloods done. I was assured it was perfectly normal , due to hormones and it would all settle down probably by my next appointment.

Only it didn’t.  I didn’t take joy in shopping for baby clothes, I was in no rush to pack my hospital bag, I just wasn’t feeling it. I was emotionless.

I booked a 3D scan around the 32 week mark, hoping that would make everything feel more real, I don’t think it did. It was a wonderful experience, of course it was, but the sadness continued.

The years which followed my daughters birth in September 2011 were dark, very dark. I was dealing with the likelihood of my oldest daughter having autism, which was causing stress along with that lingering feeling of worthlessness. But before even falling pregnant with my daughter, I was dealing with body image issues. I hated my appearance to the point it was affecting my everyday life. These feelings got worse. I’d stay home all day unable to face the world, or I’d only leave the house when it was dark. I’d avoid mirrors and my reflection in windows. I’d panic if we had a party or wedding to go to. I hide away in the toilets to avoid any social interaction.  And my heart would pound and my  head spin if I saw anyone with a camera.

I’d apologise to my children, as small as they were and unable to understand, for being a useless mother. I’d tell them I loved them as the tears rolled down my face, and that I was doing my best. I’d ask my husband why he was with me and give him the option to leave, which always left him gobsmacked and confused.

I’d go to bed each night and secretly wish I wouldn’t wake up. I’d have dreams of living a life where I am happy and have friends around me, and wake up devastated when I realised they were just that. A dream

My husband found me a video on Youtube about the ‘Black dog’, and asked me to watch it. I did. I broke down and he told me to get help.

I went to my GP, told her my feelings and filled in a questionnaire. From that she gathered I had depression and extreme anxiety. I was referred to the Mental Health Team. Again. I was already in therapy before falling pregnant with Emily dealing with body image issues. Hence my panic when faced with the prospect of having my photo taken. I was a mess. An absolute broken mess

That was September 2013. From then on I had fortnightly visits from my Health Visitor. She didn’t come to pry or check up on me. She came to lend and ear aswell as advice and support, and I thanked her for that.

October 2013 I began attending well-being courses. I picked up techniques to deal with stress, become assertive and gain confidence.

Summer 2014 I had my first appointment with I think it was a life coach. She pretty much assessed me to see if she could help. She couldn’t. My condition was too extreme.  I was then referred to a clinical psychologist. Again

I met with my therapist every two weeks and I think I had around 10 sessions before I decided I felt ready to face the world alone once again.

I learned through these sessions I was suffering with post-natal depression, and that the depression had even grown DURING pregnancy. I found out through a quick glance at my notes at the doctors surgery as they came up on the computer screen during an appointment, that  I had been suffering with PND after the birth of my second child. I found out through a letter sent to my doctors and a copy to sent to me, that I’d even been suffering with PND after the birth of my first child way back in 1999. I had my son at 21 so I’d spent most of my adult life with depression. I genuinely thought I was just useless, unlikable, disgusting. I was non of those. I was depressed.

PND took away my memories of my first child growing from baby to toddler, it kept me indoors, it filled me with fear, took away my self-esteem and stripped me of my confidence

When the therapy ended, I took up blogging. I decided to chase my dreams and enrolled on a distance learning course. This both occupied my mind and my confidence began to grow. I‘ve taken up exercise, and spend most days either in a gym or an exercise class. I’ve made new friends. I even spend two hours on a Sunday night as part of a team for a local radio station. I’m still building up my confidence to become more involved, but I know I will. I know I can do it. I can do anything if I continue to believe in myself.

Over the months I’ve thrown myself into situations I would usually avoid. I’ve done things I could never imagine doing and I am in a place now where I have never been in before. A very good place and although I am an anxious person by nature, I have my anxiety under control and I will never let depression take over my life or steal my memories again.

diet, excercise, general, health, health and fitness, lifestyle, mental health, parenting, special needs, wellbeing

So I clearly can’t blog daily. But I’ve had a really hectic weekend. My hubby spent all day yesterday in hospital after feeling ill most of this week. He’s had a virus, but by saturday morning it was getting worse so he thought it best to go get checked out.

Obviously having two young children, I had to stay at home with them. There was no phone signal at the hospital, or wifi so I couldn’t get in touch with Andrew to find out what was happening and he couldn’t contact me, so I had an anxious few hours. I did the one thing that’s really not a good idea and googled his symptoms, then started to fear meningitis.

Oh and the central heating decided it wasn’t gonna work, so I had that to stress about too.

But thankfully he’s feeling much better today, but it feels a bit like we haven’t really had a weekend as he’s spent most of thisafternoon in bed. And I had a lonely saturday night infront of the tv with no one to talk to :o(

I hardly ate with stressing out yesterday, which i know isn’t good, but I have today.

We’re also having a diffucult time with my oldest daughter since returning to school. For anyone reading this who hasn’t read my blogs about her, she was diagnosed with autism last year. The diagnosis wasn’t a shock, we expected it. But she can be quite a handul, and her younger sister copies her behaviours so it’s often like having two children on the spectrum.

Jessica lives her life at a million miles and hour and want’s everything done instantly. She’s ready for school each morning an hour and a half before transport even arrives to collect her. And Christmas morning, she asked at 7.30am if Christmas was finished yet, and if it’s Valentines day next? Not sure why a 7-year-old would even be interested in Valentines day, but it’s Jess and she loves occassions.

She did seem to calm down and stop the demanding and shouting, and running around the house over the holidays, but she’s back to being her hyperactive self since going back to school. So it can get a bit mentally exhausting. If it wasn’t for having things in my life now which I enjoy and keeps me sane, I hate to think how I’d be feeling tonight.

I’ve done the usual 4 Clubbercise classes this week, my last one being thismorning, and it’s great to be back. I have found them more tiring than I usually do, particularly the first one on thursday, but I’ll get my energy levels back up again in no time (hopefully)

I’ve ate nothing I shouldn’t have this weekend, absolutely nothing, which I’m really pleased about. It’s so easy to justify something fattening just because it’s the weekend.

So this weekend has threw things at me which I may have resolved in the past with overeating. I didn’t sleep too well last night worrying about Andrew, but I was still up and ready for Clubbercise at 9.30 thismorning. I knew if I didn’t go, I’d only lounge about, and then regret not going, and feel crap.

So here’s hoping for a better week.

asd, autism, general, health, parenting, special needs

What April 2nd means to me

For many parents, today is the last day of term with one long weekend followed by two weeks to spend with their children at home. For me, it is that, and so much more.

April 2nd, is World Autism Awareness Day. A day I wasn’t even aware of until two years ago, and a condition I knew nothing about till 4 years ago. Today is about spreading awareness of a condition which affects 700,000 people in the UK, and taking into account their families, touches the lives of 2.7 million people, every single day.

If you’re reading this via Facebook, and you’re one of my friends, I know you’ll know what autism is. I’ve made my families journey with autism public for just over three years now. I’ve done it because I want to normalise a condition which I knew pretty much nothing about, as I’d never been exposed to it. I’ve done it because it helps me cope with the situation. It’s an outlet, it’s therapeutic. I’ve done it because I’m so incredibly proud of my daughter and I want everyone to know that disability does not mean inability.

But for anyone reading this who is unfamiliar with autism, it is a lifelong and disabling condition, which without the right support, can have a profound and often devastating effect upon individuals and their families.

Autism affects how a person communicates with and relates to other people, and makes sense of the world. Autism causes difficulty in three main areas, social communication, social interaction, and social imagination.

For me, it’s important to create awareness as autism can be described as an invisible disability. A child having a meltdown brought on by a variety of factors (light, sound, smell), can easily be mistaken for a ‘naughty’ child. I want my child to be accepted and understood. I want to feel supported, and not judged.

But most of all, I want EVERY parent of a child with autism to feel their child is accepted and understood. I want EVERY parent of a child with autism to feel SUPPORTED, and NOT judged.

autism, general, health, parenting, special needs

Experiencing how it ‘should be’

Our house has been hit with a lingering bug this past week, Jessica suffering the worst.

School transport pulled up outside as usual on wednesday night. I opened the door and was handed a black bin bag containing Jessicas coat, scarf and book bag. Dennis, the driver began to explain she’d been sick on the bus, as a very pale Jessica ran right past me and upstairs to the bathroom. I wasn’t concerned, Emily had been ill today also as was I. don’t really worry when the kids get ill. They pick up and spread germs all the time, it’s part of life. My initial thought was at least we’ll have a quiet night rather than the usual chaos which starts from the second Jessica comes home and continues till bedtime. But, I was wrong. I went upstairs to change her out of her uniform, pick up a blanket and her bun bun, and lie her on the sofa. And there she was, jumping on her bed, as you do minutes after throwing up.

The next day I kept her off school. She seemed fine, but it’s school policy. Although complaining of a sore tummy, thursday was as tiring a day as usual. Both girls fighting. Jessica running up and down stairs, jumping up and down on and climbing on furniture. At this point I was feeling quite convinced Jessica just does not ‘do’ ill. She’ll have the symptoms, and the temperature, but it’s like she remains unaffected, she still functions as normal.

Friday she was fine, but saturday she was quiet. I could tell she was coming down with a cold. I managed to have a shower without having to grab a towel numerous times and run downstairs to break up a fight between her and Emily. We spent the afternoon at the Tim Lamb Centre which we take her too. She sat for about half an hour in the art room painting a picture. Then went into the games room and she sat next to two other girls playing a board game. Emily tried to join in with the other girls, well the best a 3-year-old can, which was taking the counters off the board, but she wanted to be part of the game. Jessica sat near the girls, but playing with lego. She wanted to be with the other girls, but doing her own thing. That was fine. I then took Jessica to the sensory room where she sat next to a water light for about an hour, and we just talked, and sang.

We went shopping, no drama, came home, no drama, and both girls were in bed by 7 and I had very little mess and destruction to tidy up than usual. Sunday morning, Jessica woke up with a temp again, and complained once again of a sore tummy. We did go out just to get her some fresh air, but she said she wanted to go home, so we did and the three of us watched Peppa Pig together.

Monday, although more colourful and happier, I kept her at home. We spent the day playing shops, singing and drawing. Jessica NEVER sits still for more than a few seconds to watch anything, or can hold her attention long enough to engage in any kind of proper conversation. We get fleeting replies to questions, as that’s what most of our conversation is based on. She has to be asked questions, or she will just pretty much narrate what is going on around her.

Today, I kept her off school again. She’s better again, but slightly pale and nothing like her overly energetic self. We took Emily to her little pre-school. I then took Jessica for her breakfast as we discussed yesterday we would do. I was even ready to leave the house earlier than normal for a week day.

We went to a cafe, and we left when I suggested. Not because Jesscia refused to sit down, or because I was sensing animostity from others, but because we had finished, and I knew she wanted to go to the library, which we did, for an hour, with no outbursts, no running up and down the aisles of books. She even prompted me ‘one more minute then we’re going to get Emily’.

When we got home she told me she’d had a lovely morning and that I’m an ‘amazing mummy’. Words to melt anyones heart. We had another enjoyable quiet afternoon. When Jessica is calm, Emily is too.

I’ve had four days enjoying both girls more than ever. Four peaceful days. Four days of how it should be. Watching them both play together. I’ve loved hearing Emily ask Jessica ‘would you like to buy an ice cream’ as she’s stood holding rolled up paper, then asking Jessica for ‘one thousand pounds’ as Jessica says ‘yes please’. I’m loving Jessica asking me questions and answering mine, Jessica singing, Jessica reading, snuggling up and watching a dvd with me and Emily. Just things I would expect are pretty much the norm of a 6-year-old. I can handle the routines and rituals, the embarrassing things she says in the wrong place or at the wrong time, her waking me every couple of hours in the night to tell me that she knows she has to be quiet because Emily is asleep, her new little obsession of only wanting to wear clothes which she has, from a particular shop as she has a new little fascination with labels. It’s the hyperactivity, anxiety and screaming which makes everything hard. It’s like her body is being taken over with too much energy, which takes a full day to burn and she is refuelled while we should still be sleeping, and those three things which I hate right now as they are stopping me from learning more and more about my beautiful girl.

autism, parenting, special needs, speical needs, Uncategorized

Jessicas ADOS assessment and the next steps

Yesterday morning I went into Jessicas school, where the next part of the autism diagnostic process was to be completed. After a short wait in reception and a brief chat with one of Jessicas teachers, I was then invited into the room in which the assessment would be carried out. I then met the two psychologists who had been busy setting up the room, and the child disability nurse who came out to ask me a series of questions regarding Jessicas development and behaviours, a couple of weeks ago. It was then explained to me that I had to literally just sit on the chair next to the door, and not give Jessica any help, or interact with her at all, unless asked by Jessica. The idea is they want to see how much of the assessment she could do on her own without any help. Turns out she did it all.

Jessica was brought into the assessment room by her teacher, she then looked at me, gave a big smile and shouted ‘Mummy’! And gave me the biggest and longest hug I think she ever has. She then looked around at everyone in the room, then pointed at me telling everyone ‘Look, that’s my mum’. Jessica then noticed the selection of toys on the floor. Amongst the toys was a jack-in-a-box which Jessica played with briefly, some small wooden bricks which she then began to stack up, a book which Jessica read all of (she can’t read the words just yet, she just reads what she sees whilst following each word with her finger), some plastic cutlery, and a car, I’m struggling to remember what else was amongst the toys, but it was easy to see why each one had been selected. I’ve just realised that the car was there to see if she would play with it, or be more interested in spinning the wheels, however, I don’t even think she even picked the car up.

Jessica played with each toy appropriately, without any help, and until she was invited to do the next activity. I was asked if she would play like that at home and I reinforced my answer given during the questionnaire, that Jessica never plays with or shows interest in any toys. If she had those toys on the floor or table at home, she would still be walking along the back of the sofa, doing roly polys and climbing on the furniture.

Jessica was then invited by the psychologist carrying out the assessment, to sit on the chair next to  her. She then said ‘Okay’, got up, walked over and sat down. Jessica was then presented with more toys. I could see that the idea was to now observe her imaginative play skills, aswell as joint attention, and sharing. Jessica was asked if she would like to play with the little wooden dolls, which she did, picking up the miniature plate for ‘dad’ when she was told he was hungry and picking up the tiny baby doll when she was told it was crying, which she then said she would put into bed as it needed some sleep. Some more items were then placed on the table. A plastic cup with a spoon, a small plastic ball, a small square of material and what looked like a box a necklace would be presented in, with the foam padding inside. I was pretty gobsmacked when Jessica then opened the box, saw the foam inside and said that the baby needed a bubble bath and put the baby inside. It didn’t even occur to me that was the idea of the box. She then said she would dry the baby and picked up the small piece of material wrapping the baby inside of it. I didn’t notice the link between the actual wooden dolls toys, and small non related items which were to be incorporated into her pretend play. Again, Jessica doesn’t do any pretend play at home. She has monster high dolls which she wanted for her birthday, but rather than play with them, she carries round in her Monster High bag, along with her Monster High books and pens. She also has a baby doll which she may pick up, give a cuddle to, then throw on the floor. We ended up binning her Hello Kitty kitchen about year after we got it, as she would just dismantle it rather than use it for imaginative play.

Whilst playing with these toys, the psychologist then said ‘Jessica, look’, and pointed to a fluffy toy rabbit on the table opposite. She looked, said what it was and was excited as it then started to move as the nurse controlled it.

The tasks which followed included Jessica being presented with a picture of a beach. She then started to describe what she could see, using verbs such as ‘boy swimming’ ‘playing football’, and adjectives such as  ‘holiday’, and a series of nouns. Jessica was asked if she had ever been on holiday before, which she replied with ‘No’, even though we went away three times last year. But we’ve never been abroad, just for long weekends away in this country, so Jessica in this context was associating a holiday as in somewhere with a beach. Jessica was the given a baby doll, and the psychologist used some play-doh to make a birthday cake. Jessica then put four candles in the cake, began singing happy birthday (without being asked to), cut the cake when asked, but not before she took out the candles, fed the baby, then wiped it’s face. When asked how old the baby was, she said 7.

Jessica then had a snack of grapes and biscuits, and was told to just ask for more if wanted. The psychologist then started blowing some bubbles, which Jessica jumped up and began popping.

At the end of the assessment, I said goodbye to Jessica and the psychologist took her back to her classroom, Jessica leading the way there. I was then told she had done really well, and was asked my thoughts on how it went. I agreed, really well. Jessica had also counted to 40 during the assessment (skipping from 20 to 30). I’ve only heard her count to 10 as she stops at 10 every time we count, refusing to count further. I also said I was very impressed with her role play, although role play is something she has learned through therapy, and it is repetitive rather than spontaneous. I then asked if they could give any thoughts and feedback but was told no, as this assessment is just part of the diagnostic process, which I already know I was just interested to hear if they had a clearer picture of where this will go. But I take it it’s their procedure to not give any results or indication of what the outcome of the assessment was.

The next steps are another questionnaire for me with more in-depth questions of family history and Jessicas development (I’m not sure how much more in-depth can they be from the last questions?!), and Jessicas observations at home, where I expect she will fully cooperated, participate and interact. I came home and did some more research in the ADOS assessment, and reading other parents experiences. I realised there are 4 different Modules, depending on a childs age and ability. Jessica did Module two, the module for children with some speech and phrases. Some parents had feedback and results straight after the assessment, some were sent a letter and score in the post, and some waited upto a year for a diagnosis. I had a look at the criteria and what exactly Jessica would be scored on. My initial feeling was she will fall short of the score needed for an autism diagnosis. Her interaction was brilliant, as was her attention, and eye contact, which made me feel disheartened. But I’m not a psychologist or nurse and they’re trained to look for things I probably never even noticed, so I guess it’s still a waiting game.